Fancy Store-Bought Dirt

Aphorisms Coined by Hypothetical Cheering Instruction

"Many of you are probably aware that the Chinese are going to great lengths to organize fan cheering for the upcoming Olympics. The Peoples Republic of China can do flip card stunts with the best of them, but this is something different: a massed, coordinated infusion of pre-programmed good vibes.

This got me wondering what sort of cheers we would hear at baseball games if this procedure somehow made it to these shores and into the stadiums of our national game. How would cheers sound if they were coordinated and attitudinally adjusted to fit the Chinese model?"
--Jim Baker

Chad pointed out to me that one of them is astonishingly good advice:

To the pitcher trying to work his way out of a bases-loaded situation: "Your enemies are everywhere, but focus on the only one who can hurt you."

My perception of Chad's uncanny ability to be right about things is almost like an umpire's perception of Barry Bonds's or Frank Thomas's batting eye: His track record of correct judgment makes me unusually likely to trust his judgment, in particular to change my mind about some logistical decision based on his insight, so we have a virtuous(?) cycle where the fact that he's "shown me the light" in the past leaves me unusually open to his suggestion.