Fancy Store-Bought Dirt

NFL Playoffs: Picking A Non-Prima Donna Team

SHORT VERSION:
You should be rooting for Pittsburgh or San Diego this month; since they're very likely to play each other next week anyway, that complicates things.

LONGER VERSION:
Last spring, the San Diego Chargers (NFL's worst record in 2003) took Mississippi quarterback Eli Manning (son of New Orleans Saints great Archie, younger brother of Indianapolis Colts great Peyton) with the #1 pick in the NFL draft. Eli and his dad threw a fit, prompting the Chargers to trade Eli to the New York Giants for a package including Phil Rivers (the next quarterback taken that draft). For all that, incumbent QB Drew Brees ended up having the season of his life in 2004. Meanwhile, later that round, the Pittsburgh Steelers drated a different QB, Ben Roethlisberger, from Miami of Ohio.

All this is leading into my extremely belated (since one game is at halftime) guide to the 2004-2005 NFL playoffs, written for an audience of people like football but who had given up on the game out of frustration with prima donnas. (Read: My dad, who might not read this, but I'll phone or e-mail with the gist of it.)

NFC Playoff Teams
In a sharp reversal from 10-15 years ago, the NFC is now the much weaker of the two conferences. We'll cover those teams first. (The numbers are just seeding order.)

#6. Minnesota Vikings. Started the season 5-1 but went 3-7 over their last ten games. Highest-profile player is wide receiver Randy Moss, infamous for his brushes with the law and his openly dogging it on some percentage of the team's plays. Soon to be a non-factor, as highly unlikely to win at Green Bay tomorrow.

#5. St. Louis Rams. What can you say about a team whose biggest prima donna is arguably its intellectually-challenged self-described-genius of a coach? This was the team that a few years back, Kurt Warner came out of nowhere to become a superstar QB running seemingly unstoppable plays. Then Warner cratered, and a backup named Marc Bulger quietly stepped in and has become, if not great, then at least very good. Marshall Faulk has been one of the best running backs in the league for about a decade now; he's in decline, but rookie RB Stephen Jackson has great skills and a good attitude. Torry Holt and Isaac Bruce (no relation to me) are the highly touted (but as far as I know unspoiled) receivers.

#4. Seattle Seahawks. Speaking of coaches... I don't know about his personality, but ever since he left Green Bay Mike Holmgren's reputation has exceeded his performance. One writer pointed out that the Seahawks don't do any particular thing especially well. Shaun Alexander puts up big running stats but for whatever reason it's mainly a passing team. The wide receivers are notorious for dropping passes and the defense is okay but not stellar. Jerry Rice is one of those WR but has lost a couple steps from when the future hall-of-famer was at his peak.

#3. Green Bay Packers. From the press publicity you'd think Brett Favre were the only player on this team. Great quarterback and good guy, though the kind of publicity he's getting is bound to produce a backlash. If Favre made a binding commitment to retire in the event of winning the Super Bowl (it'd be his second ring; he's also lost a Super Bowl) then I'd root for the Packers all the way.

#2. Atlanta Falcons. Led the NFL in rushing in 2004, with the yards split between RBs Warrick Dunn and TJ Duckett, and the scrambling, seriously-overhyped quarterback Michael Vick (whose ability as a passer has nowhere near matched his physical potential). Won more games in the regular season than their yardage gained and allowed would suggest; hard to tell how they'll do in the playoffs. A likely GB-ATL matchup next week will be fun to watch and remind people of the upset the Falcons pulled off at Green Bay a couple playoffs ago.

#1. Philadelphia Eagles. The injury to Terrell Owens, who might miss the entire playoffs, was a serious blow to this team. Then again, the kind of publicity the wide receiver gets is almost exactly what turns a certain type of fan off the NFL completely.

Bottom line, root for St. Louis or Green Bay in this conference but don't expect much.

AFC Playoff Teams
Some very good, very likeable teams here.

#6. Denver Broncos. Barely made it in. The lightning rod for this team is coach Mike Shanahan, who's started to rub people the wrong way. Often good but very inconsistent quarterback Jake Plummer plays behind the league's most effective (but arguably dirtiest-playing, with low blocks around defenders' knees) offensive line. The Broncos have had a string of highly-touted running backs, all of who put up big yards, but with the performance of the O-line, just about anyone could rush for a lot of yards there.

#5. New York Jets. Very good early in the season but then young quarterback Chad Pennington got hurt, and since he came back he's had problems with his footwork. Like Denver, don't have much of a chance of winning this weekend. If you're trying to avoid prima donnas, a New York team speaks for itself, even if its home games are really in New Jersey swampland.

#4. San Diego Chargers. You'd never think this for Southern California, but this is one of the teams an old-school fan should really like. For all the quarterback drama listed above, the big story on this team is RB LaDainian Tomlinson, not just arguably the best RB in the league but also (much less arguably) the one with the best work ethic. For all the years San Diego was awful, he never once complained.

#3. Indianapolis Colts. Eli's attitude shouldn't necessarily reflect on Peyton, but this is one of those teams that from the media coverage, you'd think the QB was the team's only player. Otherworldly, record-setting regular-season numbers; how he'll do in the playoffs is still to be seen.

#2. New England Patriots. A couple Super Bowls ago, they made a point of being introduced only as a team, eschewing the individual-player introductions. Obviously you should really appreciate this, and yet... if part of the appeal of football is rooting for the underdog then you're probably not going to jump on the bandwagon of the team that already won two of the last three Super Bowls.

#1. Pittsburgh Steelrs. Aforementioned rookie QB Ben Roethlisberger took over in the third game of the season, and still hasn't lost a game as an NFL starter. That's phenomenal. Running back Jerome Bettis is near the end of the line; they signed free agent Duce Staley to take over for him and relegate him to short yardage, though he seems to have gotten his job back. Coach Bill Cowher now has (I think) the longest tenure of any current NFL head coach; somehow just appropriate that this honor go to a Steeler, especially one with his distinctive personality (and chin).

Posted by Matt Bruce at January 8, 2005 03:52 PM